When your birth doesn’t go as planned

This blog is for those who didn’t get what they wanted.  It’s here for those who crave acknowledgement of their suffering in a way our culture is often unprepared to provide.  As a therapist and a woman, I am writing to tell you that your needs and wants are important.  At the soul level you need and deserve nurturing support.  Sometimes you may need permission to feel what you feel too.

Most of Blissborn’s stories are about personal empowerment and happy experiences with birth.  But sometimes we also hear from a mom who feels regret or loss about some part of her birth experience, and then we have the opportunity to support her in a special way.

I’m going to post some really large ideas and also some really subtle ones here, because we’re very passionate about this and want every new mom to ultimately feel so proud of herself and so strong.

First, know that you are greater than your thoughts.  You are not your thoughts about what happened.  What happened doesn’t mean anything about you personally.  You are still you.

If you are starting from a dark place, moving into the light is a process.  It is part natural healing and part intentional perspective shift. Honor both parts and simply allow them to happen.

Sometimes we lose control of our births because of hospital protocol, emergency situations or sheer overwhelm.  It’s disappointing to work and prepare and then find that your direction has been reset for you.

Give yourself credit for all that you did to try for your natural experience. In the time and space you had, you did everything you could to have your natural birth, and you truly did enough. Know and accept that you made the best choices you could at the time, with the resources and information that you had.

Even in the difficulty there is beauty to be found and wisdom to be gained, and things to be grateful for. For example, perhaps you were well taken care of at the hospital, or you got to see the tender side of your partner, or you had moments of pure clarity.

Finding those bright spots doesn’t take away the disappointment completely, and it’s important for your partner, friends and family to fully respect the grief (which is truly what it is) over the birth you had hoped for. It’s OK to ask them to respect it and hold you in a compassionate place as you grieve. It’s absolutely healthy to allow yourself to feel it.  There is nothing inherently wrong with that grief, even though our culture teaches us there’s something wrong when someone is sad. With good intentions we to try to “make” each other feel better.  Remember that if people seem unable or unwilling to see and hear your grief, it’s not about you, it’s about them.  They are following their subconscious programming, which tells them it’s not OK. You can just know that it is OK and let yourself feel it.

Think about emotions like a waves washing up on shore.  They rise, crest, and dissipate.  Try to identify which phase of emotion you are in, and you might find yourself relieved to recognize that no matter how strong an emotion is, it will dissipate. You will not get stuck in it. This can be a huge relief when you find unpleasant emotions washing through you.  You can breathe through them and imagine them washing through with no resistance, dissipating peacefully as you simply observe and accept. This is incredibly liberating.

So often we stuff disappointment down, because after all, how can you feel bad when you and your baby are safe? And that is nonsense from an emotional perspective. Don’t question or judge your emotions. They are just right.

What you wanted matters. You are allowed to grieve whatever you choose to grieve.

Your loved ones will support you best if they just hold you with compassion and trust that you are healing in your own perfect way.  Ask them to do this for you. They won’t know you need it unless you ask.

The best possible solution is to allow those feelings, and voice them. And then to focus on what you are proud of in that experience. For example, “That was still one of my strongest days. I used my strength to prepare, to sustain, and to follow my body, my mind and my heart in this pregnancy and birth.”

Also, if you used Blissborn to prepare, know that the time you spent relaxing with your Blissborn hypnosis CDs gave your baby lots and lots of happy hormones, and you can take time to appreciate the results in your calm and happy baby because of that gift. You did the best you could under the circumstances, and you deserve admiration and acknowledgement (from yourself and others — though you may have to ask for it).

You are strong. And you’ll use the lessons you learned to be a better mom — you know to your core that you’re fierce and wise. You’ll be your child’s advocate, protector, and guide. There is so much in birth to be thankful for, even if it’s not what you hoped. And if you have another baby, you’ll take that wisdom and fierceness into your next birth, too.

Imagine where you might have been if you hadn’t looked for alternatives and support for your attempt at natural birth!  More than one-third of women in the US have babies through the major abdominal surgery that is cesarean section (though the World Health Organization, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the American Medical Association agree more than half were unnecessary).  If you had a c-section, you certainly had good counsel to do so. If you managed a vaginal birth with the assistance of medications and/or procedures, it is a huge accomplishment and a gift — better for your baby’s lungs, gut bacteria, spine, and brain, and your body, your recovery, and your future births. Be proud of that! It will continue to be an advantage in your lives.

We at Blissborn used to be all about natural birth, all the time, period. The truth is, though, that we’ve seen beautiful epidural births, beautiful C-sections, beautiful interventions. Sometimes it’s just what has to happen.  Part of the “letting go” that the program teaches is the ability to let go of our attachment to a certain outcome.  Your peace of mind is more important than “getting it right,” so you can choose to release those attachments in favor of peace. That is a soul-level experience of empowerment if ever there was one.

As for our own experiences, Laura was devastated about her cesarean with her first child, exhausted and elated by her 73-hour natural hospital birth, and set free by her 5-hour Blissborn homebirth. The truth is, if she hadn’t had the experiences she had, we wouldn’t have found our calling.  We are glad for what happened now, because it led us on this path to make birth better for all families, and we love every minute of what we do now.  Your experience will bear fruit for you in surprising and wonderful ways.

Keep a healthy perspective and know that you are just fine. Trust that through the natural process of healing, you will find a peaceful place around your labor and birth and come out feeling proud of yourself. Take the time you need to get there, and get help with counseling or hypnotherapy if you feel stuck.

The truth is, it takes an incredible set of circumstances (tied up in the environment, the past, researching, working, thinking, letting go and LUCK) to achieve a natural birth in our society. You did the best you could in the circumstances, and that is always good enough. There’s this idea of the pinnacle of perfect, and really, almost everything just below it is just fine too.

Getting in the mindset of “good enough is good enough” will be beneficial to your children too.  Parenting is the best kind of training for grown-ups to learn to let go of perfectionism.  I like to say that the only way to fail is to expect perfection. There is no failure, just feedback. When you have learned and grown from a seemingly negative experience, you’ve gotten the full value of it and can let the past go to make room for the present. Children are wonderful at this, always starting fresh. They are lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have them.  They will learn from you to walk and talk, and you will learn from them to live in this moment, love fully, and let go of limiting ideas about perfection.

We wish you peace in your healing journey.  Feel free to contact us or your Blissborn Hypnosis Educator for one-on-one support, knowing that you are held in highest esteem as a person who deserves love and respect, whose experiences and decisions are just right.

– Shelley